When the mind is tired, the body cannot function really well. This is exactly what I am experiencing right now.

My body experienced the not-functioning-well syndrome last week when I had food poisoning during Dharma Camp. Not sure if it's the food I ate in the camp as I seemed like the only one suffering from bouts of vomiting and diarrhea. 2 days after DC, I decided to go to see my doctor to get some medicine as by then, the diarrhea became so bad, my faeces was not even in molten state! Alright, I know it is disgusting to mention about faeces but it was really what happened to me. What was more horrendous was the extent to which my body was dehydrated! My lips were practically swollen from the dehydration due to my diarrhea and it swelled to its max (yes, when its max, I do mean max) by the day I went to see the doc. When I saw the doc, I was expecting some charcoal pills and advice for me to go back for a rest. Well, being a responsible doctor, he was determined to find out what is exactly wrong (because I was the only one suffering from diarrhea in DC); so he pressed on my tummy, up, down, left, right and when he applied force on my appendix area, I felt a piercing pain which made me feel like crying. By that time, my doctor's smile disappeared and he told me very seriously that I may be suffering from appendicitis.

 Ok, I got to confess that by that time, I was not really alarmed because I am the kind of person who cannot get startled easily when something about me is just a suspected case.  Immediately, the doctor wrote a referral letter for me to go to any hospital's A&E. At the back of my mind, I was telling myself that I can just go to hospital the next day and attend MC retreat that day. Wow, I got to say that the doctor seemed to be able to read my mind because just when I was having that thought, he gave me a very concerned and stern look saying, "When I say today, I mean today." I was stumped for 1 second before I said ok!

As a responsible, or rather intimidated patient, I decided to proceed to the hospital. Now, I was facing something very tricky on my way to hospital. I brought food (and yes, one big huge bag of junk food and drinks) for my MC members and I cannot possibly bring them to the hospital with me or the doctor there is gonna scream at me. So, I decided to go back home to leave everything in my room before going to A&E. Ok, as u guys should know by now, I live in Little India, hence, the nearest hospital is KK hospital. 5 mins before I got home, I called Kalden to chair the meeting on my behalf and I also asked him if KK admits patients apart from maternity and pediatric cases and he told me yes. Haha, Guess what? When I entered KK hospital's A&E, the nurse thought that I am pregnant. Ok, that is not the worse. When I discovered that they only admit pregnant women at that dept, I decided to leave. But this time, the nurse won't allow me to leave! She assumed that I AM pregnant and tried to persuade me with her kindest words to "sooth" me cuz she mentioned she "felt" I am just afraid to face reality. Haha, the letter came to my mind and I handed it to her to prove my innocence BUT she refused to agree with what my doctor wrote in the letter. Now, that was getting ridiculous by the moment. Haha, and I said, I REALLY need to go and I mentioned that if the doctor in TTSH(the next nearest hospital) thinks I am really carrying a baby, I'll really come back again. She was kind, really, she cared for me and my "baby"!

Ok, when I reached TTSH, I had to wait for almost 2 hours for my turn. I felt a little unhappy because I was hungry and tired and was in pain by that time. But I also saw a notice mentioning that "urgent cases would be attended to first". Wow, that notice made a difference the very moment! My mind was thinking "ok, my case cannot be really serious if I had to wait for 2 hours" "Yeah, at least the hospital is treating patients who are in need first." I'm grateful for that kind of service! J Like what Gillian told me, it is good to have that kind of system because it just goes to show that if our loved ones needed immediate attention, it would not be delayed! How true.

When it was my turn, the doctor told me that my case is one of early appendicitis, I gotta be hospitalized and have to be placed under observation. Haha. I was told that I would be injected with painkiller. But hey, after I was injected with the so called painkiller, I fell into deep sleep. The next moment, I was already in the ward. Haha, After the observation period, I was certified to be ok to leave the hospital, no longer in pain but warned by the doctor that I have to be very careful as I may have fever within these few weeks. I went home after that feeling really relieved! Though I was still in pain, I felt happy that I was not asked to stay in hospital. Was really so scared that my parents would know about me in hospital! That was one experience. Going to hospital without letting my parents know!

That experience was last week. I am recovering this week. No more swollen lips, no more diarrheas. And after my recovery, it is time for pigeon to fall sick! He called me yesterday to tell me that his flu had evolved to fever and sore throat and took leave for the day. It really worried me sick. I rushed over and saw him sitting weakly in the clinic. Pains my heart, L It was really difficult for me la, whenever I was sick, my mum was the one taking care of me and now I got to take care of a sick bird. I did not know what kind of food was right for him due to his condition. Hence, for dinner, it was shitake mushrooms with oyster sauce, a dish of fish and garlic-ginger porridge to whet his poor appetite. Uh-oh, when I got home, I told my mum and I got a lecture from her for cooking with oyster sauce because according to her, it will worsen his condition. Argh, I was so worried I called and smsed him, but he was so deep asleep, there was no reply from him. Luckily, he woke up telling me that his temperature decreased to a normal 36.9 degrees. Phew!

Hee, in the midst of worrying for pigeon, I got a call from Yuhan directly from Germany! I was so delighted to hear from her! We were discussing about everything under the sun/moon (ok, it was 1130pm at my side and 4pm at hers) from her trips to monasteries, to my mc, to DC, to her brother and topics like "is missing and thinking the same concept?" To me, they can be similar or different according to how you define it but to her, it can only be different because thinking is just a thought while missing comes with attachment. Aiya, whatever. I'm not into such intellectual debates which can always be 2-sided and a waste of time (plus money for this case). Hehe, We ended up talking for 40 mins! I guess it was not enough for both of us because she went online after that to write me an email to "continue" our conversation while I also went online with the intention to email her! :D She'll be coming back on 4^th Jan. Oh my, I miss her so much.

Back to pigeon. His fever subsided today but there's still sore throat. Hence, this afternoon, I dare not risk so I got him fish congee and night time I just cooked plain porridge with vegetables. Hehe. Felt so relieved that his fever subsided and when I left his place, he had already recovered from sore throat. It must be the medicine and long hours of rest he got! Phew (x2)

I was supposed to leave at 5.30pm to reach home in time for dinner but I was overwhelmed by exhaustion by then and decided to sleep till 6pm. It was extreme exhaustion, I knew it was not the usual type of exhaustion and pigeon seemed to sense it so he asked me why. At that very moment, I felt not just physically tired but mentally exhausted too. That explains my title for this entry. Mental exhaustion is the worst of all types of exhaustion, at least for me. It sapped my energy so much; I had no energy to do a lot of things lately. The sudden question from pigeon made me feel something etched in my heart being smoothed out by love and concern. I burst out crying hugging him so tightly, I think he could not breathe. That was the second time I cried so badly in front of him but I am really thankful for his calmness. He always has this calm composure even when things go wrong, making me feel secure about the situation. I could feel love in his embrace and concern when he stroked my head. As mentioned, he is forever so calm, so he asked me a lot of whys and hows regarding my current emotional state. I felt like I was talking to a social worker! Alright, he is gonna boast of his "skills" again. Not that you're good but I haven't learnt enough to point out your flaws in the attempted counseling session!

Whatever, I felt so tired with all the unnecessary thoughts going on in my mind. These started when I started having this tendency to blame myself when things goes wrong, always feeling that I could have done better for anything/event/project that was successful/unsuccessful. Time to cultivate contentment and uppekkha. Time to learn how to rejoice for myself. Time to let go of that big fat ego.

Actually, I got advice given by concerned friends but in fact, all that I heard are those that I know I should be doing. Isn't that the worse of all situations? Isn't that ironical? Isn't that hilarious? At least if it was not the case, then I would already felt I had a solution. Lena was also very sensitive because when we were chatting on the phone 2 days back, she tried probing and even asked if the advice she gave is useless or not; today, she tried asking again on msn. Maybe I am just too tired to talk about it, or maybe I was too proud to talk about it. Maybe, that is the cause of the tightness in my chest, the uneasiness in my heart, the wandering thoughts on my mind and my poor health. Whatever, I should not let it affect my meditation. They are defilements which discouraged me from meditating regularly lately, but I am trying my best to not be affected. I'm really looking forward to the meditation retreat this coming Friday. Time to unwind.