Ta dahhh!

Surprise surprise!

Elated to see my entry ya? geez, I know i know, many of you have been complaining about me not updating this blog..

Check out my new blog at www.cindeedots.wordpress.com

But, i wun be writing entries till my last paper ends.. :D

Haha, this is interesting. got it from Lena. :P http://www.personaldna.com/

 Mouse over the boxes! Each colour tells u a specific trait.. But i dun agree with the crowds part.. friends who know me well enough knows i value quietness alot! :P

You are a Creator

If you want to be different:

how you relate to others

You are Animated

If you want to be different:

I dunno! :P

Be kind to yourself.

And that will allow you to be kind to others, in the truest way.

Hi friend,

How are you? Hope you had been fine.

I just came back from a very beautiful meditation retreat. It was really a fine way to spend 7 days of my holiday in a serene temple situated in a Malaysian village as I get to breathe in fresh air every day, listen to nothing but silence (except Dhamma talks at night) and feel the positive energy illuminating the meditation hall.

Through this retreat, there was also a very important realization I would love to share with all of you and that is a simple word - Gratitude.

Every day before my meals, while waiting for food reflection to start, I looked at the food in front of me with a heart of happiness. The happiness surrounded me because I reflected on how fortunate I was to be able to have such wonderful conditions to practice the Buddha's teachings. I was grateful for the Buddha's compassion and wisdom for teaching us the Dhamma; to my parents for allowing me to attend this retreat; to Sayalay Dipankara for being so compassionate to us - teaching and guiding us despite her ill health and the Dhamma workers who prepared food for us, translating Dhamma talks for us every night and ensuring conditions are always fine for us to practice throughout the 7 days.

For this retreat, conditions are different as I am a yogi while we had Dhamma workers preparing everything just for us. The meditation experience throughout the 8 days was great. Everyday, I just had to wait for the bell to signal us to wake up, proceed to the meditation hall for morning meditation, and proceed to the dining area for our meals, and so on. Everyday, I did not have to think of what I had to do next but just to meditate and when time is up, I just proceed to take food to nourish my body, bathe to cleanse my body, sleep to replenish my energy. All of a sudden, I felt an immense sense of gratitude to the Dhamma workers for a stress free meditation. Imagine not having other commitments daily for 8 days, devoting time only for meditation; that was possible only because we had a dedicated group of workers during the retreat to see to our every need.

Till this point, you may be thinking that it is so much better to be a yogi than a Dhamma worker. I can safely tell you that it is neither good nor bad to be a yogi or a Dhamma worker. Before I move on, let me share with you one of my favourite phrases from the Dhammapada "Mind is the forerunner of all states; Mind is chief, mind-made are they". It could have been a bad retreat for me if I chose to waste my time away; not putting in right effort to meditate and learn for the 7 days; but for me, it was rejuvenating. For my previous retreat, if I continued lamenting throughout the 10 days, I would not have registered that experience in my memory as a pleasant one. Oh, how dependent we are on our minds!

A friend once told me that as Buddhists, we should learn to be grateful to the Triple Gems; and to be grateful to the Triple Gems is to help provide conditions for people to get in touch with the Dhamma; because we had also once been touched by the Triple Gems. How true it is especially after attending this retreat; I see how dedicated the Dhamma workers are in ensuring that we have the best conditions to practice and learn.

Having read this, isn't it time to reflect on how much we had benefited from the Triple Gems? We are all still learning on the spiritual path and may not be as inspiring as Venerables are, but having the aspiration to serve and bring the Dhamma to others is already a wonderful thought and effort.

May you always be healthy and happy.

With Metta,

When the mind is tired, the body cannot function really well. This is exactly what I am experiencing right now.

My body experienced the not-functioning-well syndrome last week when I had food poisoning during Dharma Camp. Not sure if it's the food I ate in the camp as I seemed like the only one suffering from bouts of vomiting and diarrhea. 2 days after DC, I decided to go to see my doctor to get some medicine as by then, the diarrhea became so bad, my faeces was not even in molten state! Alright, I know it is disgusting to mention about faeces but it was really what happened to me. What was more horrendous was the extent to which my body was dehydrated! My lips were practically swollen from the dehydration due to my diarrhea and it swelled to its max (yes, when its max, I do mean max) by the day I went to see the doc. When I saw the doc, I was expecting some charcoal pills and advice for me to go back for a rest. Well, being a responsible doctor, he was determined to find out what is exactly wrong (because I was the only one suffering from diarrhea in DC); so he pressed on my tummy, up, down, left, right and when he applied force on my appendix area, I felt a piercing pain which made me feel like crying. By that time, my doctor's smile disappeared and he told me very seriously that I may be suffering from appendicitis.

 Ok, I got to confess that by that time, I was not really alarmed because I am the kind of person who cannot get startled easily when something about me is just a suspected case.  Immediately, the doctor wrote a referral letter for me to go to any hospital's A&E. At the back of my mind, I was telling myself that I can just go to hospital the next day and attend MC retreat that day. Wow, I got to say that the doctor seemed to be able to read my mind because just when I was having that thought, he gave me a very concerned and stern look saying, "When I say today, I mean today." I was stumped for 1 second before I said ok!

As a responsible, or rather intimidated patient, I decided to proceed to the hospital. Now, I was facing something very tricky on my way to hospital. I brought food (and yes, one big huge bag of junk food and drinks) for my MC members and I cannot possibly bring them to the hospital with me or the doctor there is gonna scream at me. So, I decided to go back home to leave everything in my room before going to A&E. Ok, as u guys should know by now, I live in Little India, hence, the nearest hospital is KK hospital. 5 mins before I got home, I called Kalden to chair the meeting on my behalf and I also asked him if KK admits patients apart from maternity and pediatric cases and he told me yes. Haha, Guess what? When I entered KK hospital's A&E, the nurse thought that I am pregnant. Ok, that is not the worse. When I discovered that they only admit pregnant women at that dept, I decided to leave. But this time, the nurse won't allow me to leave! She assumed that I AM pregnant and tried to persuade me with her kindest words to "sooth" me cuz she mentioned she "felt" I am just afraid to face reality. Haha, the letter came to my mind and I handed it to her to prove my innocence BUT she refused to agree with what my doctor wrote in the letter. Now, that was getting ridiculous by the moment. Haha, and I said, I REALLY need to go and I mentioned that if the doctor in TTSH(the next nearest hospital) thinks I am really carrying a baby, I'll really come back again. She was kind, really, she cared for me and my "baby"!

Ok, when I reached TTSH, I had to wait for almost 2 hours for my turn. I felt a little unhappy because I was hungry and tired and was in pain by that time. But I also saw a notice mentioning that "urgent cases would be attended to first". Wow, that notice made a difference the very moment! My mind was thinking "ok, my case cannot be really serious if I had to wait for 2 hours" "Yeah, at least the hospital is treating patients who are in need first." I'm grateful for that kind of service! J Like what Gillian told me, it is good to have that kind of system because it just goes to show that if our loved ones needed immediate attention, it would not be delayed! How true.

When it was my turn, the doctor told me that my case is one of early appendicitis, I gotta be hospitalized and have to be placed under observation. Haha. I was told that I would be injected with painkiller. But hey, after I was injected with the so called painkiller, I fell into deep sleep. The next moment, I was already in the ward. Haha, After the observation period, I was certified to be ok to leave the hospital, no longer in pain but warned by the doctor that I have to be very careful as I may have fever within these few weeks. I went home after that feeling really relieved! Though I was still in pain, I felt happy that I was not asked to stay in hospital. Was really so scared that my parents would know about me in hospital! That was one experience. Going to hospital without letting my parents know!

That experience was last week. I am recovering this week. No more swollen lips, no more diarrheas. And after my recovery, it is time for pigeon to fall sick! He called me yesterday to tell me that his flu had evolved to fever and sore throat and took leave for the day. It really worried me sick. I rushed over and saw him sitting weakly in the clinic. Pains my heart, L It was really difficult for me la, whenever I was sick, my mum was the one taking care of me and now I got to take care of a sick bird. I did not know what kind of food was right for him due to his condition. Hence, for dinner, it was shitake mushrooms with oyster sauce, a dish of fish and garlic-ginger porridge to whet his poor appetite. Uh-oh, when I got home, I told my mum and I got a lecture from her for cooking with oyster sauce because according to her, it will worsen his condition. Argh, I was so worried I called and smsed him, but he was so deep asleep, there was no reply from him. Luckily, he woke up telling me that his temperature decreased to a normal 36.9 degrees. Phew!

Hee, in the midst of worrying for pigeon, I got a call from Yuhan directly from Germany! I was so delighted to hear from her! We were discussing about everything under the sun/moon (ok, it was 1130pm at my side and 4pm at hers) from her trips to monasteries, to my mc, to DC, to her brother and topics like "is missing and thinking the same concept?" To me, they can be similar or different according to how you define it but to her, it can only be different because thinking is just a thought while missing comes with attachment. Aiya, whatever. I'm not into such intellectual debates which can always be 2-sided and a waste of time (plus money for this case). Hehe, We ended up talking for 40 mins! I guess it was not enough for both of us because she went online after that to write me an email to "continue" our conversation while I also went online with the intention to email her! :D She'll be coming back on 4^th Jan. Oh my, I miss her so much.

Back to pigeon. His fever subsided today but there's still sore throat. Hence, this afternoon, I dare not risk so I got him fish congee and night time I just cooked plain porridge with vegetables. Hehe. Felt so relieved that his fever subsided and when I left his place, he had already recovered from sore throat. It must be the medicine and long hours of rest he got! Phew (x2)

I was supposed to leave at 5.30pm to reach home in time for dinner but I was overwhelmed by exhaustion by then and decided to sleep till 6pm. It was extreme exhaustion, I knew it was not the usual type of exhaustion and pigeon seemed to sense it so he asked me why. At that very moment, I felt not just physically tired but mentally exhausted too. That explains my title for this entry. Mental exhaustion is the worst of all types of exhaustion, at least for me. It sapped my energy so much; I had no energy to do a lot of things lately. The sudden question from pigeon made me feel something etched in my heart being smoothed out by love and concern. I burst out crying hugging him so tightly, I think he could not breathe. That was the second time I cried so badly in front of him but I am really thankful for his calmness. He always has this calm composure even when things go wrong, making me feel secure about the situation. I could feel love in his embrace and concern when he stroked my head. As mentioned, he is forever so calm, so he asked me a lot of whys and hows regarding my current emotional state. I felt like I was talking to a social worker! Alright, he is gonna boast of his "skills" again. Not that you're good but I haven't learnt enough to point out your flaws in the attempted counseling session!

Whatever, I felt so tired with all the unnecessary thoughts going on in my mind. These started when I started having this tendency to blame myself when things goes wrong, always feeling that I could have done better for anything/event/project that was successful/unsuccessful. Time to cultivate contentment and uppekkha. Time to learn how to rejoice for myself. Time to let go of that big fat ego.

Actually, I got advice given by concerned friends but in fact, all that I heard are those that I know I should be doing. Isn't that the worse of all situations? Isn't that ironical? Isn't that hilarious? At least if it was not the case, then I would already felt I had a solution. Lena was also very sensitive because when we were chatting on the phone 2 days back, she tried probing and even asked if the advice she gave is useless or not; today, she tried asking again on msn. Maybe I am just too tired to talk about it, or maybe I was too proud to talk about it. Maybe, that is the cause of the tightness in my chest, the uneasiness in my heart, the wandering thoughts on my mind and my poor health. Whatever, I should not let it affect my meditation. They are defilements which discouraged me from meditating regularly lately, but I am trying my best to not be affected. I'm really looking forward to the meditation retreat this coming Friday. Time to unwind.

Seems like I haven't updated my blog for ages. :P

Haven been very much of a talkative girl lately. Just feel like being quiet. Thoughts r flooding my mind, I dunno whr to begin with also. But if I chat with u often, u would have been very updated about my life.

May u be well and happy always!

*edited version* typo at the ven kai zhao's part..too sleepy ytd..*

I was waiting for 77 today when I saw this strong man in crutches. Despite having only one leg, each step he took was a step of strength. I was really amazed by the speed he was going at when he chased for the bus. The driver was also very nice as she waited for him to get seated before driving off despite the long line of buses waiting behind her.

Few thoughts came to me when I saw him boarding the bus.

1.      How many times in life do we wake up and feel thankful fo r having this healthy body?

2.      How much compassion do we actually have? Do we only show it to people whom we feel are so called “less equal”, or are we really able to show this loving kindness to EVERYONE including people we do not like? (not doubting the driver.. just that this thought came to me when I saw her being so thoughtful)

I wonder how many of you thought of this, but this thought just came to me suddenly. Undoubtedly, I am guilty of both of these. Haha.

The thought of being grateful for having a healthy body to practice and to lead life is seldom on my mind. Despite knowing that life is impermanent, I guess I haven’t really REALIZED it because I think most of my time is spent on either mundane stuffs or just slacking away. The time I devote to practice is really so little compared to the times I use for satisfying my senses.

It also came to me suddenly that maybe my morning puja was not as mindfully done as I thought. When I recite “Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu” every time after puja, I guess I it mostly out of habit. But well, after this thought came to me, I guess the next time I say Sadhu x3, it shall be the time I rejoice that I woke up with a healthy body. 

Talking about showing compassion to people, I think everyone of us is guilty of not being really compassionate. I remember Ven Kai Zhao telling us that the real compassion comes when we do not expect anything in return. I think we might always think that “hey, I do not expect anything in return when I am helping the needy!”  But Ven Kai Zhao reminded us that most of the time, we help others because we like the feeling of goodness we get when we help others. He says that the real compassion comes when we dun get too attached with the wanting of this goodness and are ALSO able to radiate it to people who are like you and I.

Recall the number of times we felt irritated when we see inconsiderate people on the streets. Or when we felt a certain person “deserves” to be punished when s/he does something we think is wrong. Are we ready to forgive these people with the understanding that people do commit mistakes? Are we always bearing in mind the fact that everyone has a chance to change?

I guess we usually say no to these questions.. Something that has to be borne in mind always if we want to be free from the mental suffering of: “why cant s/he behave in a certain way?”, “why is s/he doing this to ME?”, “whywhywhy??!”

In Old Path White Clouds, it was written that the Buddha reminded his Bikkhus alot of times that “ with understanding comes love”.

I love this phrase very much.. A lot of times, we hope for others to understand us and not get mistaken. However, when we think others committed a mistake, we never included the possibility that it may be a misjudgment on our part.

Again, this reminds me of the day I forgot to change the toilet rolls and was scolded by my mum for being lazy. At that very moment, I hoped for my mum to understand that it was not because I was lazy but was because I was overwhelmed by tiredness to remember putting a new roll in the toilet. But it also occurred to me that I had once accused my brother of being lazy and assumed that he was finding an excuse to justify his mistake.

Maybe not everyone of you is as unreasonable as I am, but I guess when we start to assume things as they are, we fail to give the other party an opportunity to explain and shut ourselves in our own world assuming that the “ME” is always right in our own judgement.

Something for you to ponder upon?

Gotta stop here now! Super tired!!!! Did some abs exercises with Dave today.. wah.. I think our stamina is REALLY bad.. gone were the days I had gold for my physical fitness tests.. hahaha (impermanence? Hehe) Now I’m like this lazy couch potato who refuses to do exercise.. hhahahaha..

Once again, had another fulfilling day.. awwwww.. talking about fulfilling.. I think our jigsaw puzzle is ONLY gonna be completed in August 2006… When will the last piece be every placed in???!!!

Hee.. so much about the jigsaw puzzle.. haha.. I’m meeting my darling Yuhan tomorrow! Haven’t seen her since retreat ended!!! Catching up with her before she goes for Sayalay Dipankara’s retreat on sat…